


youre not the kind that needs to tell me about the birds and the bees

by scorpio (gradually)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Trans Character, background rollivia, sonny's family is Horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-20 17:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13151424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gradually/pseuds/scorpio
Summary: carisi is home (alone) for the holidays. ventfic.the song title is from a new order song because im not creative enough for original titles :,~)cw transphobia/homophobia





	youre not the kind that needs to tell me about the birds and the bees

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd !! all mistakes are mine   
> i wrote this as a ventfic because well... me too sonny

Carisi is on his 3rd viewing of How The Grinch Stole Christmas when he finally feels his phone vibrate. His niece, who has currently fallen asleep on Carisi's arm, stirs slightly as he fumbles to grab the phone from his pocket and is only mildly disappointed when it’s Benson as opposed to Rafael.

 

_ From: lieu _

_ Enclosed: png_1 _

_ Merry christmas dominic!  _

 

It’s a photo of her and Noah. Rollins must have taken it. They’re sitting under an ornately decorated christmas tree in Rollins’ new apartment - he knows the wallpaper - and Noah is holding some kind of school craft project in his hands. Carisi sighs and replies.

 

_ To: lieu _

_ Thank you!! You too :) _

 

He keeps it cordial and doesn’t bother putting the phone back in his pocket, instead looking at his text history from that day. Rafael’s last reply was 6 hours ago, promising him he would message him as soon as he could. He had gone home with his mother and was helping her make dinner for a school fundraiser that was set to happen Christmas morning. Carisi was stuck visiting his parents since he couldn’t find anyone else’s party to tag along to on Christmas Eve. Even Fin and Munch were busy, off on some cruise, and sitting alone wasn’t the healthiest option for the detective. So he was here on the couch, watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas, with his niece starting to drool on his arm. He caught the end of a sentence - his mother speaking to one of his aunts.

 

“You know, now that  _ she  _ has that detective job, I don’t see why  _ she  _ doesn’t settle down. Some of the men at  _ her  _ job are so handsome.” 

 

Carisi felt the knife of his mother’s words twist. He had tried to tell her once, even kept her in the loop about who he was seeing, but at one point she had just broken down and said she “couldn’t do it”. He had asked her why, and through tears, she told him she “couldn’t follow the whole transgender story” and that he had to “return to normal for her sake”. He had stopped trying.  It was a warning hidden through concern. Teresa had told him, their mom had done the same to her when she brought her girlfriend to New Years, and when she brought her again for Easter, her mom filed a restraining order against her own daughter. 

In the end, Carisi gave up. He didn’t want to have a  _ restraining order  _ of all things placed against him, and he only had to come to family holidays. Sure, he was completely drained after only six hours, but it was a price he was willing to pay. The longer it went on, the longer Dominic wondered why he thought he had to. He had even gone to morning mass for them and made a weak promise he would go to midnight mass if he was still at the party at that point.

Dominic exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He really wanted to be able to enjoy his family. He wanted to be able to enjoy the holidays again, to celebrate this holy day without the reminder his body was unholy. Sitting in pews only reminded him of his sins like a checklist the Lord had created, and he had ticked every box. He wondered if the Father could see Dominic was no longer wearing his purity ring, that he looked a little different now, he wondered if the Father knew. Carisi hadn’t tried to hide it, but for the sake of his mother he hadn’t - in her words - flaunted it. So he had gone in a green dress shirt and grey slacks, forgone the tie, worn a sweater over to provide the illusion that he hadn’t just finally had top surgery two months ago. 

 

(A christmas present to himself.)

 

Up on the screen, the movie continued to play. Someone had muted it and left subtitles on because it was nearly impossible to hear it over the chatter of his extended family sharing anecdotes and seeing whose children were better. Carisi almost felt bad that his mom was being ridiculed for having two lesbian daughters - his mom had assured her sisters that he was “actually just butch, not a transgender” - and again, thought why he did.

 

A text from Rafael interrupted his thoughts. Finally. 

 

_ From: rafi _

_ Hows it going? _

 

_ To: rafi _

_ I need to go home 2 hours ago _

 

Not even a minute later, a reply.

 

_ From: rafi _

_ Omw _

 

He tried not to cry out of some convoluted combination of emotions as he said goodbye to everyone and waited out at the front steps for Rafael. There was relief that he was finally leaving, and some kind of pride he was able to stay for a good amount of the party. Still, there was the feeling growing in his stomach that he wanted this to be the last time that he had to lie to everyone’s face about this. If Teresa had done it, he could too. She was more stubborn, sure, but she knew better than anyone that cutting ties was one of the most difficult and rewarding things someone could do. 

Rafael finally pulled up - he knew he hated driving and had barely gotten his license, and couldn’t thank him enough for  _ driving to Staten Island on Christmas fucking Eve for him _ \- and Carisi almost bolted off the step, running in the car and pressing a kiss to Rafael's forehead before even saying hi. He could almost hear the  _ ohhs _ and  _ awhs _ from his aunties as Rafael pulled out of the driveway.

-

Carisi would thank him later, when they were home, home as in  _ their  _ apartment, home as in Rafael had a throw blanket that must have been from 100 years ago he refused to throw out but Carisi, in return, got to keep his glass McDonalds souvenir cups. He would thank him later, after crying the entire way home for vague and abstract reasons he couldn’t put a name to. Carisi would kiss up Rafael's arm as they got ready for bed, babble over how much he appreciated him, and Rafael would kiss him, soft, needy. Rafael would tell him  _ being here with me is enough _ and they would fall asleep before midnight for the first time in weeks. 

**Author's Note:**

> also, i finally made a fandom twitter account! its @amaro_txt so feel free to follow me there :)


End file.
